What is is that YOU get from each of your "vital" friendships?

Tom Rath’s book Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without (2006) discusses the importance of friendships, including the friendship you have with a spouse, children, parents and siblings. The Gallup Organization researched friendship in the early 2000’s and came up with the 8 most common roles that friends fulfill in one’s personal and professional life. They are as follows (and only snippets of the description are included here):

Builder – “great motivator…catalyst for your personal or professional growth” (p.87)
Champion – “stand up for you..loyal..your best advocates..thrive on your accomplishments and happiness” (p.93)
Collaborator – “friend with similar interests.. can relate to your passions” (p. 99)
Companion – “when something big happens in your life – good or bad – this is one of the first people you call….virtually unbreakable bond.. they will sacrifice for your benefit” (p.105)
Connector* -- “Connectors get to know you – and then introduce you to others…extends your network dramatically” (p.111)
Energizer – “give you a boost.. .you’re more likely to laugh in [their] presence.. relax and have a good time” (p.117)
Mind Openers – “expand your horizons.. challenge you to think in innovative ways..around a Mind Opener you are unguarded and express opinions aloud, [even] controversial ones..broaden your perspective on life..” (p.123)
Navigator – “you go to them when you need guidance..help you see a positive future..ideal friends to share your goals and dreams with..” (p.129)

Can you get an idea, even from these snippets, of the role(s) your friend(s) play in your life?

According to Rath’s research, yes, some friends can play more than one role in your life, (p. 81) but it is unlikely that they play all 8 roles for you. In fact, it is unlikely they have the ability or even the inclination to play all 8 roles. We get ourselves into relationship troubles when and if we expect one friend to do it all. Our friends have different strengths, and our relationships with them will be better if we focus on the positives of what they provide instead of what they lack. (p. 38)

And, the author says, while it is certainly possible you and your best friend both serve in the Companion role together, it is actually quite common for any given two friends to bring different strengths to the friendship. You may play the role of Mind Opener to me, while I may function as more of a Navigator to you, for example.

The book, of course, goes into greater detail about each role, and also offers a special pass code so that you can take a test at http://www.vitalfriends.com . The test asks you a series of questions about each of your friends and then gives you the 3 top roles that friend plays in your life, based on their research and question-weighting. The author suggests that you look at what roles may possibly be missing in your life, as your life/work satisfaction increases if you have some friend to fill each of the 8 roles. (p. 160)

So now I’m wondering – isn’t it possible we all gravitate towards certain roles, based on our temperament and personality? And, if so, perhaps a role mismatch can explain to some degree why it is you mesh with one person and not another?

If your personality lends itself to the Mind Opener role, are you going to be perceived as an Energizer by others? Probably not. You may relax and chill for a while, but then find yourself getting bored. And/or your new friend may get irritated with being challenged to think in new ways.

* “Connector” – term, as used, coined by Malcolm Gladwell in The Tipping Point (2000)